You Got 24 to 'Feel the Feels'?

Awhile ago I attended a weeklong executive leadership training with about 50 others. Near the end of the week, three middle aged male participants in a span of an hour started their comments by offering that they are “not really into the emotional thing”. I had an emotional reaction to their need to preface their comments with assertions of discomfort with emotions.

To state the obvious, all humans have emotions. Anger. Joy. Sadness. In response to a socially-provoking situation, our emotions prepare us to respond - we try to either maintain positive situations or change negative ones (Kahle & Hastings, Emerging Trends in the Social and Behavioral Sciences, 2015). Emotions serve an essential purpose in our social, interconnected lives.

In a recent episode of AS UNEXPECTED, Shay Bolton talks about the importance of embracing emotions and giving them up to 24 hours. But, she goes on, “you can make poor decisions when you act on emotion…don’t react in the heat of the emotion.” She’s an awesome guest (listen here).

As Daniel Kahneman stated, “the more emotional the event is, the less sensible people are” (Michael Schrage, Business+Strategy). He added that emotion is dominated by what we imagine might happen, and not so much by the actual probability of something happening. More simply, emotions are predictions. And, the higher the emotional charge, the worse we get at predicting the actual probability of an event (Lisa Feldman Barrett, How Emotions Are Made). 

Furthermore, emotions exist between people - not within people. Our brains are wired based on social connect with other humans (Check out Lieberman’s book, Social). And, the context creates the meaning by which emotions are interpreted. That is, if my heartbeat quickens and my breath shortens, I may quietly utter a “sh*t” and throw my arms up. (And, no, I didn’t preface my emotional signaling with ‘I ain’t good with the emotional stuff”.) Those around me and I will see that I am emotional. Perhaps I am mad; or embarrassed; or, rueing that I ate three-day old leftovers for lunch. But, everyone - including me - may not be clear on what the emotion is, or it’s cause. 

The beauty of emotions are that they are metabolically efficient (require little energy). Unfortunately, they are often interpreted incorrectly and/or lead to bad decisions. (This Hidden Brain episode with Lisa Feldman Barrett is a fun hour.) 

Curiosity - a willingness to pause, learn and change your initial interpretations - is metabolically inefficient. It is also a key trait in the practice of leadership and the critical position to take under emotional duress. So, take time to ‘feel the feels’. That’s about being human. Take 5 minutes or 24 hours, eat a protein bar and get your curiosity going. And, stop wasting energy on stating that you’re not good with the emotional stuff!

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